Okay, I can’t knit socks. I really have no want to knit socks either. Except for one important thing you get from knitting socks. You get socks at the end! I want socks. I want gorgeous wonderful soft knitted socks. I just don’t want to knit them. I know there are at least a few knitters out there that read this blog (all four of you, pay attention!) so I’m putting this challenge out there: I will knit you something (that isn’t socks) in exchange for some knitted socks. Something pretty, maybe with a snazzy lace or cable pattern. Something in greens, or blues…possible long socks that could be worn with a skirt so they actually see the light of day.

In exchange I can offer a few things: a purse/bag, dog sweaters, scarf, crocheted stuff (hats mostly. cuz I don’t knit hats.) or head bands. I could probably be coerced into figuring out how to knit mittens if I was really pressed to do so.

Okay, so now, who will take me up on my offer? Any one?

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated and I’ve gotta tell you A LOT has happened.

First of all, this will serve as my official ‘Coming Out’ to the craft community, I feel that this part of myself that I’ve hidden for so long has been shrouded long enough and it is as integral a part of my creative self as any other part and it’s time it saw the light of day. So here it is: I’ve struggled with emotional problems most of my life. Starting when I was a child suffering at the hands of an abusive step mother. Surviving five plus years of torment at the hands of someone who was supposed to love and care for me has obviously scarred me in ways that show both physically (I still carry the battle wound on my chest from an incident involving a butcher knife when I was 11 years old.) as well as mentally. I’ve gone through various ups and downs but most recently and most notably was an almost nine  month period of severe agoraphobia, social anxiety and insomnia that left me barely a ghost of my ‘normal’ self. I was afraid to leave my house, suffering severe anxiety attacks if I was forced to leave my comfort zone of my immediate neighborhood without my boyfriend or mother in law with me. I was afraid to leave the house completely empty, imagining horrible fires and other catastrophic events if the house was completely empty. This included taking the cat with me to the mail box if there was no one else in the house at the time the mail came. (One of my rather odd obsessive compulsive actions is needing to check the mail almost immediately after it arrives. I usually watch the mail man put the mail in the box.) I neglected friendships, quit several jobs suddenly, did very poorly during two semesters of school, withdrew almost completely from my family and other wise shut myself out of polite society because I would have horrible panic attacks whenever in a room with more than three people that I didn’t know well. I briefly saw a school psychologist for a handful of weeks in the spring semester, but that too went by the wayside because it required that I leave the house and go to the school campus to meet with the psychologist. I quit my job at the coffee house, that I had opened and ran for over a year. I found another job, worked two days, quit. Went on a sabbatical to Alaska thinking that a trip to the ‘Mother Land’ would help quell my rising anxiety about…well, everything. It did a little bit of good, but overall just made it easier to hide. Finally a little over a month ago, having suffered from insomnia so bad I was losing my memory and motor skills from lack of sleep, I consulted my doctor and was referred to a mental health practice.

For the last four weeks I’ve been seeing a medical doctor that specializes in psychiatric medicine. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I’m on my second try of medication, an anti-psychotic called Seroquel that is used to treat patients with bi-polar disorder. It has been an uphill process, suffering every possible side effect of the drug (including painful leg sensations at night, nasal congestion bad enough it interrupts my ability to breath at all, day time sedation, nausea and most prominently fainting spells at night after I take the dose but before I get into bed.) but ultimately it is helping me sleep and keeping some of my day time anxieties at bay. I’ve been a lot more productive and proactive. I’ve not canceled a single appointment or meeting since I’ve been getting help. I’ve also had an easier time finishing crafting projects. I’m continuing to tweak the dosage because not all of my symptoms are being managed at the dose I am at currently, and while it is hard to continue to have the side effects every time I adjust the dosage, I can say that I feel better now than I have in as long as I can remember. I will also be starting individual talk therapy early next week with a therapist that works in conjunction with my medical doctor prescribing psychiatric medications. I’m hoping that resolving some of my issues and addressing my latent anger with my step mother about the abuse will help as well.

In addition to these changes I’ve also found a job that better suites my nature, my unique hurdles and allows me to be creative and challenged.  I mentioned in an earlier post working with a local designer as a pattern writer and tester, and while I am still doing that part of the business I have also taken on the business management side of her company. It has been a joy working with her and her family, and especially satisfying to find a job with a company (and people) that understand mental illness and it’s effects on a person. The designer I work for also suffers from mental illness, and in fact the name of her company is ADHD Knitting. Gail (the designer) has been an absolute inspiration to me, and such a comforting and supportive force in my life that I have been able to do the hard part of seeking (and continuing) medical help with my emotional problems. She has challenged me to give myself over to it, to learn from it, to explore it and to take things from it instead of being a slave to it. With her help I have not only become a more steady  hand at my every day life, but she is also teaching me how to knit properly and well! In the few short weeks I have worked with her I have learned so much, about myself, about people in general and about knitting.

The reason for this large post is two fold: to serve as a notice to those crafty inclined individuals who read this (as well as my friends and family) of my whereabouts and why I’ve been quiet for so long but also to inspire in all who read this a sense of self discovery. Knitting (and indeed, crafting in general) has been the best thing to happen to me. I have learned so much about myself, about other people and about my life as a whole with the help of the clicking of needles. I have explored friendships, I have unearthed a strong, happy, creative force inside of myself and learned patience. I feel happy today, and it may last until tomorrow or next week, but I am learning to take the happy days as a sign of light at the end of the tunnel during those dark days. I take them both in stride because they are both apart of me. I have made a commitment to myself, and to those who share my life with me, to be a healthier person, even though it means dealing with demons I have long shoved down.

This post is getting long and verbose. It may be awhile between posts here because I don’t have much time these days to work on my own designs and projects, but rest assured I’m still here and when it’s time to be unveiled, be prepared for the ADHD Knitting website. I have this little feeling way down deep that it’s going to go over HUGE with the crafting community. I can’t wait.

Until then; lots of love.

-DaniDo

Conquering mental illness, short row shaping and Skee ball: All in a days work.